Warning: this is a long post about thoughts I have been struggling with for a long time now. I'm sorry it's so disjunct. This post is more therapy for me than anything else.
About a year ago I went to a Relief Society meeting where a talk was given about feeling good about yourself. It was a great talk and I keep the handout on my fridge. One of the suggestions was to focus on things that you are good at. It made me ask myself what am I good at? At the time I was failing school, my house was a complete and utter disaster, my patience with my beautiful girls was short, I wasn't being a good friend and I wasn't happy. I've even lost the talents I used to have like playing my flute for example. I couldn't come up with anything. I got nothin. In fact I have struggled with this question ever since that day.
I didn't always have this problem. As a teenager I was a confident girl who was involved in a lot of different organizations and clubs. I had dreams. I knew where I was going and had an idea about how I was going to get there. I was involved in my community, loved playing my flute, and sharing my talents with others. I didn't really care if I fit the standard mold. I knew who I was and I was completely happy with it.
Why is it that I was more self aware at that point in life when the normal person is usually trying to find themselves, then I am now? I now struggle to connect with people where before I wouldn't have thought twice before speaking to someone. I don't play my instrument anymore. I'm not involved in my community anymore. When did I start settling with the thought that I may never get to space and float weightless. My teenage self would never have given up on that.
When did I start to change? Where did that girl go?
While I was pregnant with my third, with these thoughts in mind, I tried to learn how to cross stitch. It was fun. But developing a new habit takes time. Extra time is not in abundance for me at the moment. So it is really, really, slow going.
Then I found out if I wanted to continue school with a teacher and a classroom to go to, I would need to start back right away or lose the progress I had made way back when. So I went back to school.
You might say well school is something you're good at, but I really struggle with it. In fact Miley Cyrus' song "The Climb" is my new favorite guilty pleasure. I love the words so much and I am able to relate especially when it comes to school. At times I know I can finish my degree, but after struggling so long with school there is this constant doubt that I have to keep pushing from my mind. It is frustrating how long it has taken me to get through school, but "it isn't about how fast I get there, or what's waiting on the other side, it's the climb." I just got to keep trying and not give up even when sometimes I lose the battle.
Then today while I was at the doctors with my two babies, Bug wanted me to read Whinnie the Pooh and Tigger Too. I have always had a soft spot for Tigger. He is so energetic and friendly and my Dad used to sing the song to me when I was little. I love my Dad. In the book Rabbit asks Tigger why he's always bouncing into people and Tigger reply's with "bouncin's what I do best!" He doesn't let Rabbit's criticism get him down he just keeps doing what he loves and does the best.
I may not be able to be as energetic as Tigger but I can bounce back from trials and do frequently.
"Our Greatest Glory Is Not in Never Falling, but In Rising Every Time We Fall." ~ ConfuciusMaybe that's the thing I'm good at? I don't know.
Maybe I just miss that girl with unabashed dreams and goals. The girl who didn't have a doubt in her mind that she would achieve them someday. That girl that was so good about reading her scriptures and saying her prayers. That girl that had it all figured out.
But I shouldn't sell myself too short. I have achieved some of my biggest dreams. I am a wife and a mother. I sincerely believe that being a wife and having the gift of motherhood are the greatest opportunities in this world! And I love being a part of my husband and my girl's lives. I wouldn't trade this opportunity for a million paid trips to the space station. I have felt the greatest happiness by being with them. I am a better person because of them. I just want to be so much better for them. I just wish with all my heart that I could excel at something that is considered typical in the role of a mom. I often wonder if I ever will. I want to find some kind of footing in this role I have chosen. Is that so bad?
Getting back to the basics would help I'm sure. Oh and find some hobbies that don't involve school.
I think school is an expensive hobby. It's a good thing it's a goal and not a hobby, right?
I can do this. I just gotta hold my head up high, be humble, and someday maybe one of these struggles will be a strength to me (Ether 12: 27). Tomorrows a new day and I'm not alone. First and foremost my Heavenly Father and Savior are always with me, I have a fantastic team of cheerleaders that include my husband, my girls, my family and my friends. All is not lost, I may be a different girl with different interests and priorities than I once had, but that's ok. I just got to discover the person I am becoming.